Hush

I stopped posting to my blog because I didn't like who I was when I was posting.  I felt I had to entertain, to do a song and dance just to be interesting, but in truth I am not good at either singing or dancing.  I am good at writing, so I'll try to stick with just that.  With luck, entertainment will follow and everybody will go home happy.  (Singing and dancing optional.)

I have scratched and clawed and screamed and shouted my way through two manuscripts, and am waiting to hear from trusted others if they fly or not.  I am contemplating a new novel.  (Though from a safe distance.  It's shy and I don't want it to bolt.)

I visited a wildlife refuge a month ago--a very short but very needed trip.  It was wonderful; I am still walking around there in my head, staring at the water, the birds, the sky, taking the short walk to the ocean.  While on the ocean beach at dusk, the sky glowering with dark, tattered clouds, the sun fighting back, refusing to give up it's  exuberant hold on the day, I saw five rainbows.  Five.  (I also saw wild horses during my visit, but from a safe distance, as they bolt, too.)  I am hoping my next book can capture, at least in part, some of the serenity I still feel from being there.

Our culture, being noisy, apparently doesn't want quiet books--or so I hear--but I still want to write them. 

Now watch me write a book about a crazy, shrieking, dancing girl in love with mahem. 

ALA Your Way to Success!

In a couple of weeks, ALA, The American Library Association, is coming to Washington, D. C. for their Annual Wowser Summer Convention. It's not held here every year, so since it is fairly close to where I live and doesn't require a naked airport x-ray to get to, I am going to go.

Spend quality time on the metro. Flit about the humongous convention center. Try not to panic amid a gazillion stampeding people, all charging in different directions toward . . . something. (What are they charging toward? I don't know. I never know!) Act nonchalant while angling for arcs (advance reader's copies) of hot books not yet released. Which will mostly be a fail. Dive bomb for totally cool book bags. Which will mostly be a fail. A fail not just because of my lousy acquisition skills (which are legend) but because I have heard that not as many goodies will be available this year, due to the recession. Sigh . . .

Through it all, though neither a librarian nor a popular, beloved author, I will try to look like I "belong." Which will mostly be a fail. So, why is it that almost everything I attend related to books ends up making me feel like an abject failure? Hmm . . . [Taps fingers on counter.]

I think it's the crowd.

I am not a crowd person. Mostly, I see a bunch of people and I panic, though I try to do so politely. Instead of clawing my way over people blocking my exit, I say, "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Sorry." This is not because I am especially noble or even polite. No. My mama did teach me to be nice, but I am not always nice. Mostly, if I clawed my way out, I'd be embarrassed by the aftermath, all the bodies strewn across the floor, flopping about and spurting blood. If I paused at the exit, turning around to look at the carnage, I would feel morally obligated to help with the clean up. And the blood might tempt me. I might turn into a vampire. Which would mean more blood and more clean up. And since I hate to clean, and don't want to lug bleach and Bon Ami around the convention center, I have to be careful. As my mama said, one thing leads to another.

I do hope to say hello to some online writing acquaintances, most of whom I have never met in person. If I have not yet turned into a vampire it will be a welcome, pleasant experience--they'll leave unbloodied and I can leave the bleach at home. I will also hear the speeches by the winners of the Printz and the Newbery awards, both of whom fall into the same category as above--online, distant writing acquaintances. If I have turned into a vampire at that point (probably, given the odds) I will restrain myself , keeping my fangs retracted, so as to not spoil their moment.

I will get home late. I will ride the metro back out to the far suburbs, to the very end of the line, with only a few other weary travelers accompanying me through the darkness. By then a full-blown vampire, I will nonetheless resist the urge to bite. Bigger things are at work in the night than one lonely vampire. Clean up, for instance.

Struggles

Struggle #1:

I have begun the formal dig on my office, working down through the upper layer of detritus. (The upperdetritus periodous.) This is going to take a while. One of my chief challenges is PROCRASTINATION. (I put that in caps to make sure I got the message.) Which means, in so many aspects of my life, things pile up and then I have to unpile them. Which is time-consuming and irritating and frustrating. The one area of my life in which procrastination doesn't seem to happen is my writing. With my writing, I am merely slow. So, by habit or nature, I move as the slug moves, though without quite so much slime.

A break to excavate is good though, as I ponder a major change to one manuscript, and play in my head with something new. Plus, who knows what I'll find buried? Maybe some money!

Struggle #2:

Uncovered in the ongoing excavation was a list of the winners of this years Los Angeles Times Book Award. Pictured were the smiling, handsome faces of some of the winners. "Where's my picture?" I wondered. Then I remembered I hadn't won anything, ever, and in fact haven't published a book for, let's see, three years. In the young adult world, that is an eon. The standard is a new vampire novel every three months. But, as I have tried to explain to publishers and my legion of fan (I'm pretty sure I've only got one) some of us were born poky and never made any vampire friends (as they say, write what you know.) I think to be friends with a vampire you'd pretty much have to be a fast mover, for those times when the fangs come out. So, it follows that I am eliminated as the author of speedy vampire novels.

Struggle #3:

Cable. I used to have Basic Limited cable, which means I got the broadcast stations and the PBS stations and the local county channels, plus lots of Spanish language channels. A year ago I got an advertised deal, which means for a bitty bit more money (okay, a little more than a bitty, but doable) I got lots more channels, though I still wasn't in the big leagues--no HBO for me. Now the deal is over and I must pull the plug or pull more money each month out of my ever shrinking wallet.

This is the thing. In the past I wouldn't have thought twice. Ditch the channels, I'd have said, without too much thought or trouble. Now, though . . . The thought of not getting a fix of Law & Order, or Criminal Minds, or NCIS, or any of the other crazy programs I've grown to love, well . . . Kathleen ain't happy. I'd miss the stories. The characters. Okay, yes, I know they aren't real, but . . . but . . . stories and characters are why I'm here on planet Earth. I've tried to think of a few other reasons, but other than dark chocolate, I always come up empty.

So, what to do. (Taps fingers on counter.) What to do . . .

Struggle #4

I have to make dinner tonight. I hate making dinner. Why do I have to make dinner? Where is the justice?

All The Way Home

Okay, so I skipped town. Left Blogville for a few months. Got a tan. Drank too many margaritas. Got a quickie divorce. Robbed a few banks. Got indicted for a Ponzi scheme. Spent time in the slammer. You know, the usual.

Then I came back.

I've been reading COLUMBINE, by Dave Cullen. Fascinating. The media, and pretty much everyone else except for the FBI profiler, got the cause wrong. It didn't happen because Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were bullied outcasts. In fact, they did some bullying themselves. Harris was a psychopath, plain and simple. Klebold wasn't, but he was an angry depressive who bought himself a one way ticket to annihilation--the two of them bringing down a reign of terror on everyone.

I have always been fascinated by psychology, wondering what makes people tick--which I suppose is one reason I write the kind of books I do. An action-packed adventure would probably result in more sales, but that's not where my mind is focused--or where my talent lies. Regarding Columbine, I'm as interested in how the survivors coped in the years after the attack as I am in the actual event. I always go for the emotions and the thought process.

Psychopathy--a subject unto itself--I find both terrifying and intriguing. If you watch enough episodes of Criminal Minds you end up thinking sadistic psychopaths live on every block, happily murdering someone new every weekend, but I'm guessing that's not true. (Fingers crossed!)

Reading this excellent nonfiction book has brought me back to reading, as, for a while there, I was distracted, not finding books to sink into, spending way to much time in front of the TV. So I feel myself coming into balance again, my mind awakened and ready to work. I've got a couple of manuscripts in process. We'll see what, if anything, happens.

It's good to be home!

And A Merry Murder to You!

It seems a pity to pass Christmas and enter the New Year without a new post. I am actually in a good mood these days. Enjoying a season I haven't always enjoyed. Relaxing into it.

I recently watched a TV show I hadn't seen before, a repeat of one of those endless crime-solving fiction genre features I used to disdain but have come to love. Two thoughts:

The first has to do with the species itself, in this case the crime-solving genre. I don't even remember the name of the show, but I was amazed, sinking into it, at how immediately pleasurable it was. I knew exactly the format that would be followed.

The murder is shown upfront (I myself prefer that the murder already have been committed and merely discovered in the first scene, as I am so very not into slasher stuff.) Then the detectives/federal agents/cops (all mavericks, of course) step in to solve it. The first suspects investigated almost always turn out to not be the true culprits, frenzied forensics are performed, pieces are puzzled, machinations ensue, bad guys are chased, guns blaze, and the crime is is finally solved via fast action in the last five minutes of the show, When All Is Revealed. The main characters themselves are all of a type that transfer easily from different show to different show, i.e. NCIS, Criminal Minds, Bones, etc. So, turning on something I have never before seen, I see, in effect, something I have already seen many, many times. Which oddly makes me very happy.

I think it is the comfort of repetition, like the child who needs to hear the same story told over and over. An explanation of the unexplainable. In this case, an explanation of death, even though death, of course, is never explainable.

My mother was an avid reader of mysteries. For most of my adult life, I thumbed my nose at them. One reason I thumbed my nose at them was because I was a snob--they weren't literature. The other reason is even more embarrassing than that: I can't follow them! This is never the fault of the novel. No, when I read I seem to have a brain piece missing that simply can't compute the convoluted details of a crime scene and the subsequent investigation. I do sometimes read mysteries written for young adults or children, and I have better luck with them, but even there I sometimes finish the book not really catching the fine details of plot, not knowing without doubt who did what to whom. Embarrassing!

So it is interesting that two years after my mother's death, I am deeply, albeit visually, immersed in mysteries on TV.

My second thought about genre TV has to do with the actors. Watching the above mentioned, title-forgotten piece of crime-solving TV show, I saw a familiar face. Someone who had been prominently featured a few years back on a different kind of TV show --a genre Science Fiction piece--now popping up in a much smaller, probably one-time role on a different show. This happens every so often, that I'll spot a familiar face that almost made it to the "top," then slid back down to the minors.

This, my friends, is exactly what happens to many, if not most, writers. It helps me understand my own career as a writer when I see actors--and these are good actors, not just pretty faces--take whatever role they can get. Only a very few make it to Major Celebrity, People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, Movie Status. Most struggle to land the next part, in whatever show is out there. Because that is what they do and love: act.

Writers write. I am not the first writer to see that glazed look, that expression of dismissal/disappointment/boredom that comes over a person's face when I tell them I'm a published novelist but that a.) I write for teenagers, b.) I'm not rich and c.) I'm not the next J.K. Rowling and will never be. Like some other writers (not all, of course) I often simply don't mention that I am a writer at all. It's just easier that way. But an actor's face is right there! You see it or you don't. They are getting parts or not, they are featured or not. And the proof of success or failure is on display for everyone to see. Ouch.

So while I don't always admit I am a writer, I am often glad I am not an actor. Writers can hide all the complications, twists, turn-arounds, stumbles and out-right failures a little bit better. Which helps.

And so, perched on the verge of a new year, about to venture into the fresh territory ahead, I wish all writers and actors--and everyone else--magnificent success. But if success doesn't find you, I wish you small, safe, and private stumbles.

Blah

I've stayed away because I haven't had anything to say. Head full of cement. Emotions as tightly packed as a can of Heinz vegetarian baked beans. Depressed, anxious, worried: check, check, check. The usual, then. Been there, done that. Here it comes again.

I am thinking of construction and deconstruction. So much of life is just that. Doing what needs to be done, then taking it all apart to do it once more. Things as simple as getting up in the morning to go to work, then coming home and letting it all wash from your body. And getting up the next day, still weary, to start over. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I am tired of all that. Tired and tired and tired.

I am also working on a manuscript that is not where I thought it was, that is in fact very far away from where I thought it was. So here it is: construct, deconstruct, construct. Again and again.

But I am tired of all that. Tired and tired and tired.

So what will give me the energy and will that I need to move forward? On this gray afternoon, I don't see much. Just an ongoing landscape of lonely work that never quite reaches completion, for which there is little reward.

Pretty drab and miserable, eh? Well, folks, that's why I haven't been posting. I want to begin anew, though. Somehow find, once more, the pulse and the push that I need.

Chirp Chirp!

Note: I never posted the following post, which I wrote in October, so I'm posting it now, in November. (Post, posting, posted.)


I am in a twisted sort of place of late as a writer. No publication dates before me, though I do have hope. (Springs eternal, etc.) Wrestling with a new manuscript that still needs substantial work. So, no glitter, no glory. I believe in the future writers like me will become extinct, because we are not chirpy.

Some form of bright-eyed chirpiness is the necessary gene in today's market. It is certainly necessary for a blog, and, as we already know, dear reader, I do not chirp. My parents never apologized for this woeful lack, for their failure to transmit chirp. Tsk.

I have gnashed my teeth about this before on this blog. Indeed, it might seem it is all I do. That's because of the twisty sort of place I am in. Like being a kebab over the charcoal briquettes. What else is there to do but twist and burn and complain? The unchirp.

In the interest of writing about something else, I have decided to list a number of books I have read over the previous several months that I found especially compelling. Most of them are young adult titles, a couple are children's, one is adult. (I actually read more than these titles, but not all of them made my personal Go! list. Also, there are a lot of new books I have not yet had access to; some of those might appear on a later list, at another point when I am still not chirpy.) I love some of these books more than others, but I enjoyed them all. In no particular order, here goes:

Crossing Paradise - Kevin Crossley-Holland
What I Saw and How I Lied -- Judy Blundell
Jellico Road - Melina Marchetta
The Underneath - Kathi Appelt
Nation - Terry Pratchett
Black Rabbit Summer - Kevin Brooks
Hush - Donna Jo Napoli
Breath - Donna Jo Napoli
Knife of Never Letting Go - Patrick Ness
The London Eye Mystery - Siobhan Down
Creature of the Night - Kate Thompson
One Lonely Degree - C. K. Kelly Martin
Carbon Diaries - Saci Lloyd
Mothstorm - Philip Reeve
Here Lies Arthur - Philip Reeve
When You Reach Me - Rebecca Stead
Peril On the Sea - Michael Cadnum
Marcello in the Real World - Francisco X. Stork
The Brothers Story - Katherine Sturtevant
Reality Check - Peter Abrahams
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle - David Wroblewski

finis, for now